Now there’s a name for what I’ve felt my entire life and how the love of my life comes into play. For as long as I can remember, I always told myself  I’ve gotten everything I have ever wanted.

It has been one week since what I consider to be the worst day of my life. A week ago, I was at the Dallas International Airport with one of my colleagues, waiting to head back home to Southern California. I had spent the entire week prior in the area for job training and had been keeping in touch with my boyfriend, who was waiting for me back home. While at the airport, he told me he had a conference call and said he would be right back. A few minutes later, he told me we needed to talk. I had a feeling something was wrong, so I called him. He told me he couldn’t be with me due to an event that happened months ago, which I had told him about. It seems that he spoke to my “best” friend during the conference call, and my friend mentioned that another kiss had happened on the same evening. I didn’t remember this initially when I told him about it the next day.

I was devastated. My world was spinning, and I was numb. To make matters worse, my flight was delayed by two and a half hours. Upon my arrival, my dad yelled at me, bringing me to tears once again. The next few days weren’t any better. I did not eat, I did not sleep well, and the friend I thought I could turn to for support, was anything but a friend. Since then, I have turned to an old friend that I hadn’t spoken to for a few weeks, and she was there for me. She told me that on the same Friday, she felt the need to reach out to me but felt bad that she didn’t. Additionally, the person who I kissed that fateful night many months ago contacted me while I was in Dallas on my trip. Did I attract all of these events to me?

As I reflect on many aspects of my life and look back on what I said earlier, I wonder if I have truly shaped my life the way it is today. When I got my first car, I had an idea of what I wanted, but when I saw the car I really wanted, I put my heart into it. I desired a new white Volkswagen Rabbit.

After visiting several dealerships and test-driving cars with my family, I wasn’t sure if it was going to happen. Then, one day in early April five years ago, my dad told me to go outside, and there it was: my car, which I still love to this day!

When I was deeply involved in video games and active on social media, I managed to attend a premier gaming event because I really wanted to be there. I recall seeing one of my favorite bands in LA, “The Decemberists”, and encountering the lead singer around the corner near my car. Naturally, I had him sign my poster. I’ve been able to travel to all the places I wanted to go on my modest minimum wage earnings because I was determined to do so. Most recently, after searching for many months for my first “real job” and enduring many months of heartache, I finally got my break with an amazing company. Although I desired a good starting salary, I accepted an offer of $50k, with full benefits anyway.

This now leads me back to my now ex-boyfriend. This past week has been extremely rough. I haven’t been able to eat a full meal since he broke up with me, I randomly break out in tears, and I just feel empty; I was looking up articles on how to deal with a breakup. Then, I realized I wanted to start doing something about it. For the past two days, I’ve had ideas of how I can do this: give him space, randomly send him small gifts of affection without trying to contact him otherwise, etc.

Tonight, I literally Googled: “How to win back the love of your life,” which brought me to someone’s ‘Secret Story.’ It was truly inspiring so I went on Amazon to see how much The Secret was. I had recently purchased Prime, so I could send my ex gifts, and had noticed that I could stream The Secret. I literally just finished watching it.

I’m writing to you now because I am inspired and changed. I knew what I felt was something, but I didn’t know what it was; that things happen for a reason, and that reason is me. Prior to my ex, I was dating someone who had an emotional disconnect but was financially stable; prior to that one, it was the opposite problem. I told myself I wanted and needed someone that was balanced, that was for me; that came in the form of Adam. For the first time in my life, I met someone who loved me more than I loved them. It was new, and at many times, I was unsure, but after that fateful night and that kiss of doubt, everything changed. Everything I have ever thought about, manifested itself that night.

Now I know exactly what I want: I can see it, think it, feel it, and breathe it. I am not giving up on Adam or my dreams and aspirations. Nothing will stop me now. He is who I love and cherish, and he is who I will be with!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!